It’s true what they say, you know.

Once you go Mac, you can never go back.

(Four more days. Sigh.)

Lots has happened since last I wrote here, none of it adding up to much of any import.

Am having computer problems (long overdue to be looked at), so tonight I’m reinstalling OS X and then sometime in the next week, when I can book a time with a Genius at the Apple Store, I’ll be taking my little PowerBook in for service.

So it may be a while before I’m back again. Dunno.

Ciao for niao.

J.

awakened

I guess this one started as an experiment in applying industrial textures to human figures. I ended up with an industrial-organic woman, and suddenly this image popped into my head. This render is as imperfectly close as I could get to realizing it — keeping in mind that I’m still learning how to do any of this!

When I look at this image I wonder how long they’ve been waiting there. What are they waiting for? Who is arriving?

I’ve thought about revisiting and revising this image, adding moss and rust to the mechanical women to add a sense of age, to make it seem like they’ve been standing there like statues for centuries, waiting for their visitor or liberator. But I think, as imperfect as I see it to be, I’ll just leave it as is.

To me, they seem like children who’ve just awakened and are looking up to the sky in curiosity and expectation.

1. Who are you?
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you.
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for
– U2

2. Are you male or female?
I wanna make every woman I see,
I wanna make every woman I see,
Do you know what’s the matter with me,
I’m a heterosexual man,
Just a heterosexual man
– The Odds

3. Where do you live?
I have lost my way
But I hear tell
About a heaven in Alberta
Where they’ve got all hell for a basement
– Big Sugar

4. What do you look like?
Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good
Ev’rybody says it’s just like rock’n'roll
I move like a cat, charge like a ram
Sting like a bee, babe I wanna be your man
Well it’s plain to see you were meant for me, yeah
I’m your boy, your 20th century toy
– T. Rex

5. What do you want to say to the one you hate?
You gotta know this isn’t working, you gotta know I can’t relax
You gotta know I need some distance, I want you off of my back
I’ve gotta tell you this ain’t working, in case you misunderstood
You’ll be waving I’ll be walking, my life should be so good
– The Boomers

6. What do you want to say to your best friend?
Here we are - born to be kings
We’re the princes of the universe
Here we belong - fighting to survive
In a world with the darkest powers
– Queen

8. What’s your best quality?
more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand
feeling so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you
– peter gabriel

9. What’s your worst quality?
The lust, the flesh
The eyes
And the pride of life
Drain the life
Right out of me
– The 77’s

10. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand
I just want to feel real love
Fill the home that I live in
‘Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
– Robbie Williams

11. What’s your attitude towards drugs and alcohol?
Is it my imagination
Or have I finally found something worth living for?
I was looking for some action
But all I found was cigarettes and alcohol
– Oasis

12. What’s your secret?
I live my life for the stars that shine
People say it’s just a waste of time
When they said I should feed my head
That to me was just a day in bed
I’ll take my car and I drive real far
To where they’re not concerned about the way we are
In my mind my dreams are real
Are you concerned about the way I feel
Tonight I’m a rock ‘n’ roll star
– Oasis

13. Do you have any special talents?
‘Cause right now I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I am, I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
So I’m lying here just staring at the ceiling tiles
And I’m thinking about what to think about
– Barenaked Ladies

14. What does love mean to you?
war is hell and hate’s a machine
the world is full of little kings and queens
but it’s time to forgive, hope and dream
and love
’cause love is everything
– WhiteHeart

15. What does friendship mean to you?
A smile relieves a heart that grieves
Remember what I said
I’m not waiting on a lady
I’m just waiting on a friend
I’m just waiting on a friend
– Rolling Stones

16. Are you a strong person?
Well it would be great to be so strong
Never needed anybody else’s help to carry on
But I’m not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can use
No I’m careless and I’m cruel, but I’m still easily bruised
But I’m so tired of lying about it, I’m not bulletproof
No, and I’m not going to lie about it, I’m not bulletproof
– Blue Rodeo

17. What makes you angry?
You see a lot more meanness in the city
It’s the kind that eats you up inside
Hard to come away with anything
That feels like dignity
Hard to get home with any pride
– Don Henley

18. What makes you happy?
I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do
– Rolling Stones

19. What makes you sad?
While I sit here trying to think of things to say
Someone lies bleeding in a field somewhere
So it would seem we’ve still got a long long way to go
I’ve seen all I wanna see today
While I sit here trying to move you anyway I can
Someone’s son lies dead in a gutter somewhere
And it would seem that we’ve got a long long way to go
But I can’t take it anymore
Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off it will go away
Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off or look away
– Phil Collins

20. Where would you rather be?
These mist-covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
– Dire Straits

22. How do feel when you think about your happiest memory?
They met in a hurricane
standing in the shelter out of the rain
She tucked a note into his hand
later on they took his car
drove on down where the beaches are
He wrote her name in the sand
Never even let go of her hand
Somehow they stayed that way
for those five days in may
made all the stars around them shine
– Blue Rodeo

23. How do you feel when you think about your biggest mistake?
I never meant to make you cry
and though I know i shouldn’t call
it just reminds us of the cost
of everything we’ve lost
bad timing that’s all
And maybe soon there’ll come a day
when no more tears will fall
we each forgive a little bit
and we both look back on it
it’s just bad timing that’s all
– Blue Rodeo

24. What are you looking forward to in life?
I Dreamed There Was No War (Instrumental)
– Eagles

26. What are some words to live by?
When you’ve seen beyond yourself
Then you may find
Peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come
When you see we’re all one
And life flows on within you and without you
– The Beatles (George Harrison)

I’m not surprised that it happened. But still… I am amazed that it happened.

…That America made a positive choice.

I’m excited and hopeful — and a little fearful, too.

In the past those who have represented potentially monumental change for America haven’t lasted long.

I am afraid of the racism that has reared its head with Obama’s political ascendancy. Sometimes it’s outright, blatant, unabashedly offensive. More often it’s thinly disguised and disgusting.

I know that many Americans actually think Obama’s the Antichrist. And a Muslim. And a blackpowerbabyeatingdemonterrorist. (And that kind of primitive non-thinking saddens me.)

But, regardless, to me, no matter what will happen in his Presidency over the next four years, he represents exactly that which he chose as his slogan: Change.

The world — not just America — will be different now. From this point forward, things can never be the same.

Hence the excitement, and hope, and fear.

Well. I’ve been busy and in the process have been through the wringer.

(If you’re not into cars, skip the next two paragraphs.)

I’ve had more car problems. The Beretta’s (the Beretta henceforth called “Betty”) alternator blew its bearings and basically was tearing itself apart. So I bought a new (remanufactured) one and put it in myself on Monday. It was a PITA, but actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. Having an engine with a serpentine belt made things SO much simpler. I didn’t have to pull off five fan-belt-type things and slide things around on their brackets. I just had to move the tension arm, slip the serpentine belt off the alternator pulley, undo two bolts and two plugs, and slap the new piece in, following the steps in reverse. Easy-peasy. However…it did cost me nearly $200 for the new alternator. I still have to return the old one to CanTire and get my refund for the old core.

While looking at the alternator I discovered that I have a leaking brake line. And that pisses me off, because I just had the damn thing inspected last month and they told me my brake lines were fine. And this was for an insurance inspection, where they’re supposed to be damned sure they find everything. So I have to go back and ask WTF happened — and see if I can pressure them to perhaps give me a break on the price of the repair, since it was something they should have caught in the first place. Then again, it’s been a month, and they might say “A lot can happen in a month, so you’re S.O.L., buddy.” But I won’t know until I ask.

In other, more human-oriented, news, I’ve been playing counsellor. To both my ex-wife (!!!), who is pretty much having a nervous breakdown, and to my buddy, J, who is embarking on the road to divorcing his alcoholic wife. And let me say this: codependency is evil. Holy shit, seriously.

Anyway, acting as confidante/counsellor/advisor/sounding board has taken its toll on me. I totally blew a gasket on my mother the other day, seemingly out of nowhere. But it’s the stress, plain and simple. I can only take so much.

I’ve advised my ex to get mental health counselling because frankly, she’s drowning. And it’ll take the burden off of those of us who aren’t licensed counsellors. I have some training — and natural ability — as a counsellor, but I’m overwhelmed at this point.

And no, I don’t have any problem with helping out my ex. I know, it’s shit-weird. But I have some compassion for her because I’ve been in her headspace. And it ain’t fun. Really, I don’t want to see anyone I know implode, and she’s getting dangerously close to that point.

I also don’t want my kids to have to deal with another parent with mental health issues. ‘Nuff said.

As to my buddy… God, what a mess he’s in. His wife is an alcoholic in denial, they’re codependent, he’s got anger issues… And I’m trying to be the supportive friend because, again, I’ve been in his situation (aside from the alcoholism issue).

So here I am, running out of emotional steam. I’m wrecked, frankly. But this is what I do. I am a compassionate person, and I like to help where I can. But soon I think I’m going to have to withdraw a bit and take care of myself.

Because of past issues and experiences, I can only handle so much stress before it really beats me up. I can’t handle anywhere near as much stress or emotional output/giving as I once could. You may recall that I spent a few years in personal counselling finding this out and understanding why this is.

Anyway. A road trip looks really good right about now.

Erm. And if I didn’t have a car that needed so much of my attention…like everyone else does…that road trip might actually have happened.

Maybe I’ll just have a nap instead.