I’ve enjoyed my time on earth. This is goodbye… (?)

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “The Universe as we know it has now been in existence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million billion years and will be ending in a little over half an hour. So, welcome one and all to Milliway’s, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!”

— The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

So the Large Hadron Collider is finally (and I hope that’s not an unfortunate choice of a word) due to be fired up on Wednesday. And, even down to the wire, the debate is still raging as to whether this experiment — run by a group of scientists who didn’t get my permission, thank you very much — will destroy the planet, solar system, galaxy, universe, et al.

Apparently, BBC will be covering the event, live. And the “It’s Not Going To Destroy Us All” propaganda machine is in full effect. Read this blog entry. (Will open in new window.)

Then, more importantly read the comments below the blog entry.

It’s those comments that have me slightly freaked out.

One relevant example of scientists playing dice with the entirety of our existence that was brought up in those comments was the first test of the atom bomb. Some scientists thought that when the bomb detonated, the Earth’s atmosphere might also, killing us all in a giant barbeque flare-up. But then they did it anyway.

They freaking did it anyway. And the whole operation was a secret, too. Nobody would have known why the sky suddenly decided to flash-fry them.

Mr. Jones steps out onto his porch to retrieve the morning paper. “What an unusually bright sunrise… AAAGH MY FACE!!!”

But this situation with the LHC is a little different. There’s an unofficial countdown going on. It’s public (for all the random, slightly disjointed publicity it’s receiving). I feel a little like one of the crowd at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and we’re counting down to the Big Event. Should I hold my breath? Should I have another drink (or ten)?

Those scientists that set off the first atomic bomb probably slapped each other on the back afterwards, saying “I knew it would be alright.” [while Oppenheimer was busy being all emo quoting the Bhagavad Gita: "Behold I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds", that is... -- Ed.] And then they went out and changed their underwear.

So yeah. The LHC has me slightly freaked out. I’m not afraid of death, of being dead. But I’d rather not be consumed by a black hole first, thanks. (Or poisoned by a “new” radiation, or melted into nothingness, or zapped out of existence by a singularity, or supernova’d, or molecularly disassembled in any other way, really. I think that would suck just a little. Well, the black hole would, anyway. Ha ha. Badump ching.)

So anyway, in case these are the Last Few Days of Planet Earth As We Know It, I’d like to take a moment to say thanks for reading (all two-point-five of you). Thanks for being friends and acquaintances. Thanks for adding to my life. You’re awesome and I love you all.

So long, and thanks for all the fish pizza.

(And in case the LHC really turns out to be harmless and nothing bad happens… I was just playing up my anxiety for comic effect. Really.)

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